Suburban Tightwad - Why I Refuse to Get a Cleaning Lady

Who needs the gym when you can get buff in your own house by manually scrubbing each carpeted stair with Resolve until you feel your biceps burning? Hey, I could pay someone to do that, but I don't. My family and I live in what is supposedly the wealthiest county in America, and there seems to be plenty of disposable income being disposed of around here despite the current recession. Whenever I attend our neighborhood's monthly Bunco games (another suburban tale in and of itself), the discussion inevitably turns to What Everyone Thinks Of Their Housekeeper. Everyone except me, that is, because I'm pretty much the only chick in the hood who does not employ a cleaning lady. Here's why:

1) It is my duty to accept and respect the DNA passed on by my Cheap Ancestors. From my grandmother who saved empty Stoneyfield Farm yogurt containers and Cut-Rite wax paper bags ca. 1960 to my father who wanted to know why I couldn't just record songs off the radio instead of me asking him to buy expensive cassette tapes, my lineage is rife with tightwad genes. Hiring someone to clean my house would be a bastardization of this important legacy, although my yogurt-container-saving grandmother actually did hire someone to help her with household tasks when she was taking care of her disabled husband. Unless somebody in the house is rendered an invalid, I can't see paying someone to help me with menial tasks I can do handle on my own.

2) If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. Yeah, I'm a cheap and stubborn beyotch. I bet I can clean my house just as well, or better, than those housekeeping ladies. It's just that I don't have time and I don't really care, so my house looks like shit. Oh well.

3) I don't want my kids thinking you can hire someone to do everything for you. Why would I want them to think you should pay someone when they already have two indentured servants (myself and my husband) to cater to their every need? Ha ha. But seriously - my kids need to learn to clean their own bathroom, use a vacuum, pick up after themselves, do laundry, etc. My 10 year old and 8 year old know how to clean toilets and sinks. My 10 year old vacuums and my 8 year old dusts. The 10 year old does the wash. Beat that!

4) Life is messy. Embrace the disaster. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is a house and people live here. Therefore, messes will be made. That's just the way it is. Once I spent a weekend cleaning the house before one of my kids had a friend over, because the place was such a complete wreck that I thought the friend's mother would summon the Health Department to condemn the entire property. OK, I'm being sarcastic, but it was pretty bad. Hey, my husband was gone in Afghanistan, I was working full time and taking care of a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Of course the house was going to be a dump. I had no time or desire to clean and the kids were too little to really help out. At least I had a good excuse, and the Health Department never did show up. All's well that ends well!

5) Dirt is good for your immune system. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! My family rarely gets sick (I'm knocking on wood right now, ha ha). I would like to think the dusty environment has something to do with that fact.

6) I would like to have enough money to send our kids to college without going into debt and I want to retire at a decent age. Let's say a cleaning lady is $100 every two weeks. That's being conservative because our house is a pretty nice size. That's $2,400/year! Plus, aren't you supposed to tip them and give them Christmas presents and stuff? Sorry, but I'd rather save my money or go on vacation.

And that, dear friends, is why I have never had a cleaning lady. The floors in our house might not sparkle, but I don't mind. I think we're doing just fine. :)