I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT!!!

... for about 20 days. See, that's about how long it took after conception for me to notice that "Aunt Gertrude" was not showing up for her usual monthly visit, so I decided to pee on a stick to confirm my suspicions. I had not been planning to get pregnant, but I was somehow able to put two and two together.

Have you ever seen that show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"? The women featured on this series (not a documentary but an actual SERIES with numerous episodes) don't realize they have a child in their womb until the kid is COMING OUT. One mother gave birth in the restroom at an amusement park. Another was screaming bloody murder with "terrible abdominal pain" on the bow of her husband's boat while her husband peacefully slumbered inside the boat. She will have fun trying to get him to help out with the night feedings! More than one episode featured a "constipated" woman who finally managed to "pass a large bowel movement" on the toilet, only to find that she was stuck to the toilet seat by the umbilical cord of said "bowel movement." Some of the women on the show have never had children before, and others are veteran mothers. Having gone through two pregnancies myself, I can't get over the fact that someone can grow another human being in their uterus for nine months without noticing any symptoms at all. Below is a helpful list I have constructed for any of you readers who might need a refresher in this area, because I certainly don't want to see any of you featured on that program!

1) Pregnancy causes menstruation to cease. As you probably learned back in elementary school, your period is the result of your uterine lining being discharged if there is not a fertilized egg setting up shop in your womb. Apparently, some women still continue to bleed or spot during pregnancy. Also, some older women may believe that they are entering menopause. This makes sense in and of itself, but what about #2 below...

...2) Pregnancy makes you look like a bus. Apparently, some women "gain a few pounds" but do not really look very large. I, on the other hand, looked like Kate Gosselin despite the fact that I was only carrying one (1) fetus at a time. It's a good thing my ovaries don't release multiple eggs and the embryos didn't decide to divide, or my stomach might have actually exploded. Not that most women would look like me when pregnant (luckily for them), but I think the majority of women would not be able to ignore their large bellies for the duration of a pregnancy. And for those women who don't get huge - I hate you.

3) Pregnancy causes you to toss your cookies. Of course, that isn't true for everyone, but I think it's safe to say that most women at least get nauseated every once in a while. If you are barfing or feel like barfing on a daily basis, you best be heading to Target or Walgreen's for a pregnancy test.

4) The baby moves inside you! Most of the women on the show report not feeling any fetal movement. Luckily for them, they have apparently not experienced their unborn child playing Bladder Soccer. Maybe if the woman is not large in the stomach, the baby doesn't move much because there isn't any space. At any rate, if it feels like someone is kicking you in the bladder from inside your body, you may be pregnant!

5) Pregnancy causes many other fun symptoms. These include bizarre food cravings and aversions (I once threw up because a cheese commercial came on TV), fatigue, oversensitivity to tastes and/or smells (it seriously tasted like someone took a dump in my mouth for 9 months with both of my kids), back pain, etc. Some of these could potentially be caused by other circumstances, causing a woman not to realize that she is pregnant. But wouldn't she start looking like a bus at some point?

So there you have it. If you are currently experiencing any of the above situations and you haven't had a pregnancy test, for God's sake, get the heck off of my blog and run to Target or Walgreen's this instant! I don't want you giving birth in front of your computer.