How to be a Passive-Aggressive Bridezilla

I'm starting to think that brides probably never forget the "Jerry Springer" moments they encounter during the wedding planning process. I just read this hilarious blog post (although I do take a big exception to the author's inappropriate use of the "r-word" - seriously?) and wondered how this particular bride-to-be might have responded to my now 12-year-old wedding planning quandaries that I have still not forgotten about....

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Situation #1: Future husband's boss does not understand and/or care about how invitations are addressed, because he proceeds to invite his 10-year-old daughter (invitation was addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Boss Man"). This might not have been such a big deal if Mr. Boss Man did not request that his child be served a vegetarian meal, which was not one of the stipulated menu choices.

My response: Complain about said boss (behind his back of course) and call the caterer to see if a vegetarian child's meal could be provided. The caterer was quite confused and had never actually prepared a vegetarian meal for someone who wasn't an adult, but she agreed to make veggie pasta at the regular kids' meal price.

Blogger's likely response: "Request that your future husband (FH) confront his boss about this obvious lack of what could be considered a properly functioning prefrontal cortex, preferably during an all-hands staff meeting. Make sure FH informs Mr. Boss Man that the vegetarian kids' meal consists of kidney beans with garlic sauce. FH should also remind him that his car windows will most likely be rolled up on the way home from the wedding reception because, well, it's hot in August and he'll need to have the A/C on in his methane mobile."

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Situation #2: Future in-law commandeering a car filled with 3 of the 6 bridesmaids traveling to the wedding rehearsal completely misses said rehearsal because he got lost. His vehicle containing 1/4 of the wedding party finally arrived at the rehearsal at least an hour and a half late. There was no phone call to the church to ask for directions or explain the tardiness, causing me to surmise that they must have gotten into an awful accident. (Note: this was before most people had cell phones and I'm pretty sure this individual did not have one or we would have called him ourselves.) By the time they finally arrived, everyone else had already gone through the rehearsal, sans the missing attendants. I was not provided with an apology.

My response: Get extremely annoyed but do not actually talk to the future in-law about it, because that would cause a confrontation. Wonder why other family members think the whole thing is amusing.

Blogger's likely response: "Tell your future in-law that you hope there will be food left over for him at the rehearsal dinner since it will probably take him another 90 minutes to figure out how to get there and you certainly won't be saving him any. Also, be sure to indicate that you will behave in a courteous manner by informing the other dinner attendants that he will be quite tardy, and to just go ahead and eat because he will be picking up some grub at Taco Bell instead."

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Situation #3: A relative told my father I was a "brat" because she didn't like my veil and because I didn't want to have a crying newborn baby in the church, who wasn't even invited in the first place. At least the baby didn't ask for a vegetarian meal.

My response: Get stressed out over relative's response but don't actually say anything to her about it. Tell people that the relative upset you so much that your womanly hormones were thrown out of whack, causing you to get pregnant 2 weeks after the wedding. Hey, at least it's an interesting story.

Blogger's likely response: "The bride's family members, especially those who are 'long in the tooth,' often feel the need to control the logistics of the wedding. This is a natural response, which can usually be deftly handled by noting that you hope you can return the favor by commandeering his or her funeral arrangements when the time comes. Suggest a nice spa party, or perhaps a rager with keg-stands if you think that will do the trick."

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Of course, I never would have said any of these things to anybody. I'm too passive-aggressive to actually incite a confrontation. But thinking about it is certainly fun. And I'm sure all you brides know what I mean. :)